In that moment,
I could no longer protect him,
keep him safe,
and hold him close.
My hands could no longer cover his ears and eyes from the injustices of the world, things to come and not yet seen.
In that moment as if in a free fall,
all the years of nurturing, loving, protecting ,shielding fell away.
I thought I had more time.
time had passed in lightning speed
in this space someone new looked back at me
he would to take the weight of the world on his shoulders.
His world of carefree days with long lofty afternoons
he would not encounter those again.
He would never again see with the eyes of a little boy playing games of hide and seek, building cities with blocks.
This new person would be worrying about coughs and sniffles, fairness and the future.
New horizons never dreamed of, never having contemplated more than one’s own desires of the moment.
In that moment I looked up from the impending arrival glanced into his eyes.
It was just a glimpse, i saw him, there just for a second,
a little boy with eyes fixed on me
asking,”can I go outside?
Can I please have this toy?
Can I sleep over my friends?
Can I borrow the car?
I won’t be home tonight. OK,
OK I’ll do it tomorrow…
I saw the past and present moving inside me
the future, was now
once my little baby
so fresh and new,
my child
my son
a boy
a man,
all of this, how can this be?
the culmination of my memories slipped away...with a final mastering of strength in the beauty of the all that is within the moment of birth a new being emerged…
I looked down at this beautiful brand new baby, pink and perfect warm and sweet. A small cry escaped and she took in the air around her, unfolding her small hands as she felt the light for the first time.
In that moment I changed, we all had changed. The weight had shifted the universe expanded making room for this new life, this new group. I no longer carried it for my son, in that moment
I became an onlooker
I would still be his mother.
I was someone that knew his other self, the moment of his birth, the cosmic shift that created us; it was in me for all time.
I now looked on as a grandmother, I knew some of what was to come; I was afraid, excited and hopeful.
The constant questions bubbled to the surface of my mind.
In this joy, the questions begged.
Did I do enough?
Is he ready?
Did I teach him all that he needed to know?
Is my job over?
baton had been passed. I was a grandmother in this new life
I would still be his mother,
Life was now on his broad shoulders
a lovely young wife that needs him to be strong and say just the right things in this moment
and all the moments to come.
A new life unfolding before him, he would now ask himself the questions, will I be able to teach her all she needs to know?
Will I love her enough?
Will I keep her safe?
My granddaughter would grow up calling him Daddy, looking to him for the answers of life’s great questions.
Things don’t outwardly appear different ,yet there has been a shift in this room in that moment a young girl became a mother, a boy a father
All of this happened in an instant.
I’m reminded of Anne Morrow Lindbergh’s book A Gift from the Sea where so eloquently
she wrote. “
We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity – in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern.” (Lindberg Morrow).
We were changed in that moment , when the universe shifted.
unspoken misunderstandings 