Hand off

i could have done better

But then again.could I have ?

Ac actually, I think I didn’t do very good job. Word on the street,I didn’t give them enough attention, made bad decisions, wasn’t there for them.

it’s interesting at all the things you thought you did for them for the right reasons still, don’t matter, our reality is our own reality.

Not sure how to go far but all this, except that maybe I find another way to live love to spend my time is this place I feel Siri much no possibly wasted my time seems like nothing that I want to go on this game true and your Higgins to wall turn up the ante as I thought I could do it, I thought I could make a difference And I can and I did .

well, I guess I did on some level, I really thought that giving everybody a shot to go to college to have a better life for him for safe please would be enough, but it wasn’t. Where I tried tonight, my family of origin, and to be there, for all of them open my doors has actually backfired giving the benefit of the doubt taking the highroad. I really like him feeling betrayed and empty

I struggle with maybe I’m a nut job and have lost all reality

it seems at times that I’m not making any sense to any one

I’m becoming careful and not wanting to speak

it’s too much , goes round and round

I do hear contempt which I desperately wished I did not

I am lost trying to figure out how this happened how come I am still trying to be understood. I am crazy

I am not sure how to visit my child , I honestly thought I have done many things to show my support and my love yet , he has such anger towards me. I thought I heard him one time ( mutter something nasty about me )

I was talking with my granddaughter and she said Dad called

you a fucking bitch! I was shocked 😮 my son called right back to tell me she misunderstood.
I don’t think she did

it leaves with a little bit of a problem

how can I head out visit him in his new home and know how he mixt feels about me and things he has said to his wife and children about me .
I have always covered up , covered up things that happened I thought it didn’t matter , somebody was hurting and I could over support.
what I see is that it continues, I allow it to happen and it is what I have always done . I’ll take anything you’ve got to give at any cost if I’m useful in helping you through you pain.

now I am in shame because I see my children and their families seeing through me. I realize they do not want to

hear it or know about it . So I inadvertently destroyed their opinion of there brothers and sisters. I’m so sorry I just didn’t shut my mouth

my

kids have been gracious in letting me know that they would like it to stop 🛑 they know their sibilings and I should not put my stuff on them it makes it hard for them in so many ways

they have asked me to stop putting any of my

stuff on them to much talk not enough fun .

so here I am …. One child has called

me on the carpet “ I have not been there for home

I have not made an effort to see the life they have built

and that although they have now achieved all the necessary goals I always held so high and talked about that measured success they have met and they still do not feel they have received the love and attention the others got I hear him I love him unconditionally and I’m truly sorry that he feels like this and I will continue to reach out support him love him if he allows

one has simply shut me out completely, I must have meddled to much and now I will not know anything or be apart of their journey . I understand his feelings

and respect them. I have no more to say other than I wish I could have seen all of this honestly have been different. I think I jumped in with 2 feet and never

Looked back . Now I’m just listening and seeing their truth which is not that good

it’s hard to Be here in this place , so hard and I turn and turn with nothing before me except me and that is what is hard

L